Sadie's feathers.

Sadie wanted her feathers placed in a more subtle position. This way they aren't so obvious, but when you least expect them, you see them. It's perfect for her!

Today I'm packing for the next three months so it's really busy. I will be overlapping winter with spring, so it's tricky. There is a New Year's Eve party at church tonight, so I'll go to that for a bit, but then I plan to go to bed around 10. I'm not in much of a party mood.

I've got a bit of business to do before the end of the year, so I've got to get with that business, too. Ugh. I hate details. I'm making a sugar free pie for lunch tomorrow, too. Dorothy and our friend, Joan, are coming over to spend the day. We're sticking with beans and cornbread and some steamed vegetables that Trish left, but the pie is our treat.

So, I'm off to take care of details! If you party, party safe! I thank God for friends to share the tough times. I pray that He is using this for training for me so I'll be worth something to Him when it seems so desolate to me; I trust Him to make it happen like it's supposed to happen.

More feathers.

This is Raynie with her feathers. Her name is Summer Rayne and we call her Raynie, so I spell it like that. Her mom tells me that I misspell it. She calls her Raynie, but she spells it the same as when she calls it Rayne. So, I misspell it. Anyway, I love this precious child!

The feathers and the beautiful heads carrying them went home today. It was so warm outside, that I didn't wear a coat. I went out to water my magnolia out front and pulled all the weeds and dead leftover flower stubs out of the front flower bed while I waited on the water to give the tree a good drink. It felt good to be outside. On the way back to the trash I picked up two more huge bags of leaves from the side of the house where they collect. So, I did get something done today.

I'm headed to take a bath and wash my hair. It's time to pamper me a bit. My back says that it is! I say thanks to God that I can bend and work a little, and thanks for a gorgeous day to close out this year.

Happy Birthday, Jeff.

Today is our oldest son's birthday. We were so very proud of him and I still am. He looks so much like his dad and is like him in many ways. I think the likenesses are great for both of them and both are great, great men in my eyes and heart.

The girls and I have had a fun day. We played at Exploration Station and then went out to spend a little time with Dorothy. It was a no coat day, so we thanked God for that blessing! We are working on the puzzle, but it may get put on hold until spring; it's a tough one!

God bless you as we approach a new year. Thank you for hanging with me and sharing my joys as well as my hurts.

Feathers!

Trish had the idea to go and get feathers for all the girls today. So, it was their big surprise. We didn't tell them until we got to the salon and they were so thrilled. They were guessing everything else in the world, but never got close. This was a great surprise and they are all pleased as punch. I'll be posting all their pics over the next few days. This is Gracie with her feathers.

I thank God for some warm days so we can go to the park while they are here. I sure thank God for their taking time out to come for a few days. It's great to have them. We're working a puzzle with 1,000 pieces; sure hope we can finish it before they go!

A gift from Suzanne.

This picture is one of me with my cousins, Frank and Suzanne Fox, taken a year and a half ago at the Fox family reunion. Suzanne is a year older than me and Frank is a year older than her. We grew up the closest of all my cousins because we were so close in age. Then when we went to college Suzanne and I were room mates. I love them both so very much! Their mom and dad were very special to me, too. Their mom was the last of all our aunts and uncles to survive, but she passed away last May. At the service honoring her life a version of the following poem was read. Suzanne sent a copy of it to me this week. I found the original version online and will post it here. I read everything like this that I can and maybe some of it will sink in, eventually. I love the sentiments it expresses and my goal is to do what it says. I sure thank God for Aunt Alice and Uncle Fay in my life; they were absolutely wonderful as far back as I can remember. I thank God, too for Suzanne and Frank; they were nearly like siblings, but we just never had enough time together! If we had we probably would have been exactly like siblings and fought, but we always treasured every moment we could share! Suzanne, thanks for sharing this poem.

Remember Me

Do not shed tears when I have gone
but smile instead because I have lived.

Do not shut your eyes and pray to God that I’ll come back
but open your eyes and see all that I have left behind.

I know your heart will be empty because you cannot see me
but still I want you to be full of the love we shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live only for yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of what happened
between us yesterday.

You can remember me and grieve that I have gone
or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.

You can cry and lose yourself become distraught
and turn your back on the world
or you can do what I want - smile, wipe away the tears,
learn to love again and go on.

~ David Harkins~

Fashion statement?

Maybe it's a fashion statement. I've been wearing two of Don's shirts around because I love it and nobody else would want them. I found these leg warmers (you know they've got to be OLD because was it the 80's when leg warmers were the thing?) and they are perfect to keep me warm in this weather. So, the eccentric little old lady keeps on keeping on. So the statement is: warm is good and wearing two of Don's shirts is a comfort to me. It's as close as I can get to him these days. I thank God that I can be warm and I thank Him for precious memories!

I'm working on books (for taxes) and I hate that, but I'm getting it done, little by little. Oh, Tonight is Monday, so maybe You Deserve It will be on TV. It's about all I watch, now that Survivor and Dancing with the Stars are over. I've got sleeves on a jacket to hem for Dorothy while I watch something tonight, so I hope there will BE something. I may take up playing Scrabble with myself like my mom did, but I want to work some puzzles, first. I'm taking puzzles to Branson with me. I have tons of books to read, too, so Scrabble will wait. I never can imagine how people are ever bored.

Thank you for checking on me. I'm okay. God blesses us and I give thanks!

Thanks, Ruthie.

Dorothy and I did the best we could to make this an ordinary day. We got through it. I intended to fix her supper and take her home, but she was ready to go with no supper. I read to her until my voice gave out on me, so we have more to read next weekend. That will work. We had an aunt who was a favorite; she had no kids of her own, so she was wonderful to all of us cousins. Aunt Mae was wonderful to everyone! One time she told me, "There's nothing harder than taking an old lady across the street who doesn't want to go." I thought of that today when Dorothy wanted to go home and I wanted to fix her dinner; I think of that when I want her to go to Branson with me and she doesn't want to go. Bless her heart; she is a sweetheart, but if she wants to go home, the kindest thing I can do is take her home! We enjoyed lunch and then several chapters of "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23;" then she had a nap and I took her home. It's just the best we could do with this Christmas.

God blessed us with wonderful husbands and we miss them terribly. Sometimes we just need to be alone, I guess. I get way plenty of alone, but I appreciate the quiet and I treasure the memories. I'm blessed with many precious memories and life.

I talked to Ruthie twice today and she reminded me that God knew me before I was born and He delivered me packed with all I will need for my whole life. This is the day that the Lord has made I I will rejoice in it. I thank God for my sisters; I need their inspiration!

Praise God! Ruthie is home and good!

This is my happy face, today! Ruthie is home from the hospital and they say her heart is good! They checked her over really good and told her to go see a good chiropractor! Trish is the one who figured out that it was a slipped rib. I should have known that, but I had heart attack to fresh on my mind to get past it. Ruthie had pleurisy after Thanksgiving, so I was wondering about that, too. When I told Trish, she said, "Mom, she's got a rib out!" Whew! I'm so glad she got a good once over and that they found nothing serious. She is home and tired, but I hope she'll take it easy and be all better really soon. I thank God for this Christmas present of a healthy sister!

So, I see that I need to reconsider on some turtle neck shirts. I hate them because I have claustrophobia, but that turkey neck is disgusting. Oh, well, I've been living with short all these years, I'll learn to live with turkey neck. The neck wasn't so bad when it was all filled in with fat, but it turns out that I have way too much skin these days. The skin is alive, though, and God has a purpose for it, so I'll keep searching for that purpose and pray that I can live up to it.

You all have the best Christmas you can and if merry is on your menu, I hope you order a big bunch of it and have a new year that is filled with wonderful times! Thanks for your prayers for Ruthie and for me!

Making it . . .

The poinsettia, the Santas and I are almost there. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and the next day is Christmas. If I can make it through Sunday, I'll be relieved. I never realized holidays could be so difficult.

Phil called today and my sister, Ruthie, is in the hospital. They've done all kinds of tests and can't find what is causing her back pain. I'm thinking she may have a rib out. They intend to let her come home tomorrow if they don't find anything. They are giving her a thorough going over, so I feel better about all that. I know she hates to be in the hospital, but we sure want her to be checked really well. She doesn't need any visitors right now because stress will only make her back pain worse, I'm sure. I've talked to her and she sounds as good as anyone in the hospital can sound. I'll report to you tomorrow if she gets to go home and what they determine. Thanks for your prayers on her behalf!

My buddy.

This is a picture I took this morning with one of my rice buddies warming my left shoulder. I talk about my buddies and this is one of the smaller ones that I carry around with me most of the time. I sleep with 6 bigger ones; three down each side of me; they keep me toasty warm and I hardly move all night. Nice, comfortable sleep!

Today turned out to be busy. I took care of a lot of loose ends. I even got the new sim card for my phone and got it ready to use. See, I lost MY phone, so I'm transferring my number to Don's old phone. So, anyone who has Don's cell phone number will find it no longer exists. I'll be using his phone with my cell phone number. One of these days my phone will appear, wherever I left it, no doubt. If you've left me a message in the last couple of weeks, I didn't get it!

Dorothy called me this evening to come out and have dinner with her. A mutual friend had brought her some stew and she wanted to share it with me. So, I took out the makings for a sugar free pie that we both like and we made the pie for desert. We'll finish it Christmas day. We're going to share Christmas together; we're having beans and cornbread and fried potatoes; maybe pizza for supper. Tonight I read a third of the book, A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23, to her. We'll finish it on Christmas day. It's a special Psalm to both of us and my sister sent me this awesome book that makes the 23rd Psalm even more meaningful. I love sharing it with Dorothy! God is great to give us so much to help us through this tough time!

Couldn't find THAT dress!

I know that dress is here, somewhere, but I could not find it this morning. I did find this one, though, and it was Mom's, so it will have to do. I did my best to get into Mamasan mode; put on the pearls that Daddy gave me and her dress. I do think my face is shaped like hers. I took a couple with my mouth closed but my teeth are too big to close my mouth! When I close my mouth I don't look like Mom, I look like a horse! So skip the mouth. I think if she were here and would let me make up her eyes we'd look more alike. I can't get my makeup off because it's permanent and I would never take a picture without it, anyway . . . maybe if I had some of those pointy glasses I could hide behind them. Anyway, this is the end of the look alike saga. If I run across that other dress, maybe I'll do it, again. Ruthie, do you remember this dress? I still love it. I loved that other one, so I know it's here, somewhere. Tommy probably remembers these dresses; goodness, they are old!

Today they called me and finally had my other van fixed! Now, I hope to be able to sell it, but I won't be here to sell it, so probably won't get that done until spring. At least it is repaired. A friend is driving it for a few days while her son has hers. He wrecked his truck and is waiting on the insurance to pay him to get another one. My van has been sitting in the shop for nearly 9 months, so it won't hurt anything for her to drive it for a few days. I'm so glad for it to be used and running good!

I cut Dorothy's hair today, so I hope she can make it until I get home after spring break. When i get home from Houston, I can give her a quick trim before I leave, again. I sure wish she'd go with me, but she says she won't.

Oops! It's time to go sing at the nursing home. I almost forgot. I love those folks and I thank God that they seem to need me, too. It's nice to be needed. God bless!

Thanks, Trish, for standing in for me!

My Internet connection was down for the last 7 hours! I gave up and figured they would take all night to get it fixed and called Trish and asked her to post the explanation for me. It was so quiet all afternoon. I was just headed to take a bath, when I heard the 'Ping' that tells me I have mail! It sure feels better to be connected! Thanks, Trish, for posting the explanation for me.

I wanted to post this picture of my mom tonight because I said last night that I think I look like her in the pictures I took Sunday. Now, I look at this picture and I really don't see any features that I have like her! Well, maybe the eye color? Anyway, I think it must be my demeanor in the Sunday pictures. I've got that striped dress of hers and I think I can get into it, now, so I think I'll put it on and take a picture from that angle. How silly, but I think I'll do it tomorrow. I looked back at my pictures and I wear lots more eye makeup than she ever did and I don't have any of those pointy glasses. I think maybe it's the rectangle face. For years my face was so round, so it didn't feel like I looked like her. Now, I've lost some of that fat and maybe so. When this picture was made she was about 4 or 5 years older than I am. Pardon me for reminiscing, but it's fun and I need all the fun I can find today. I thank God for the most wonderful mother, ever! I still miss her, too.

Today has been a gloomy day I don't mean weather-wise, but it was that, too. I'm grateful that we didn't have the snow that northwest Oklahoma had! I wasn't on the computer, so I tackled a bunch of paperwork. That's so hard for me. I see Don's handwriting and it's such a reminder. I see evidence of trips we made together and all my treatments. We did everything together and that's how life is supposed to be. I guess someone has to be left, but it's so gloomy to anticipate anything in the future without Don to share it. God, please help me!

No internet :(

Hi guys!

It's Tricia. Mom's internet is down. SBC is having problems and they are working on it - so they say. Mom will be back as soon as they fix it. All is well! Thanks for being here!!

I'm certified!

Certified what? Not crazy, but to teach. Maybe I AM crazy! We'll see! There is only one more day of school around before they break for Christmas. I'll be available to teach after spring break. I hope they'll keep me really busy!

Today I got lots of sewing done. I finished up my swim suit. I had pinned all the extra fabric to it, but I stitched it, so it's ready to wear. (I have to add fabric to the front and back where I was radiated, because I can't have sunshine there.) I hemmed 4 pairs of pants. These are all old pants that I've had for years, but I used to just tuck them under because I never had time to hem them. It feels good to get them fixed right. I also repaired one of my buddies; I had burned a hole into it. (Sometimes I heat them too long and it burns a hole wherever it gets too hot and the fabric gets really weak.)

I thank God that I have training for something I will enjoy doing. I could do lots of other things, but teaching is the thing I think I will most enjoy at this point in my life. I thank God for the opportunity to have gotten the training years ago and for the opportunity to use it, now. God will show me if it is the thing I should do. I like that I can substitute and get a taste of teaching. I can always apply to teach full time if I really like it. I don't expect to like it that much, though. :) I will love the kids, but I'm thinking the system will annoy me.

We aren't expecting snow, here. The panhandle has a blizzard going, but we aren't likely to get more than an inch and the chances of that are not good. (That's when we usually get 6 or 8 inches, though!)

Apology and THANK YOU for your SUPPORT!

I apologize if I made anyone feel bad with my post last night. If you have said merry or nice to me, I'm not holding it against you! I realize that nobody knows what to say to someone who is so raw. I put up a pretty good front and folks have no idea that I'm on the edge of cliff of sobs. But, when they say, "Have a nice day," I crumble. I was truly one with Don and he is not here, so it's hard for me to stand alone. When someone suggests I have a nice day I feel like they have asked me to be tall; something I just can't do without Don here to do his part. Please, please don't any of you shut down on me in fear of my tears; just be braced that they may come and please excuse me. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and I know that God is holding my hand. He will carry me through this and I will be whatever He wants me to be. He says blessed are those who mourn, so I know that He is blessing me and grooming me for something that will give Him glory. I thank Him for patience with me. I believe that He is coming to me through all of you, so please don't be afraid to write or talk to me! The worst thing that happens is I cry and some say that's good for me. You may have to suffer through it with me!

We had our fellowship meal at church this morning and the young people hosted it with the help of their parents. That was really kind of cool. I love it when they all put on aprons and are so kind to wait on us. It was a nice treat. Of course their parents are working behind the scene and they are pretty terrific, too.

Dorothy and I went to her house afterwards and I 'saw' some things for her. She had a stack of papers that just needed to be thrown out, but nobody knew to do that and she couldn't see what they were. So I read them to her and we were able to throw most of it into the trash. She and I had a good cry. We're on about the same page. Maybe I can keep a straight face for the rest of the day! We know we have a lot of blessings to count, but we're stuck in the grief process.

Spa day.

Tonight is the night I trim my hair and cut all my nails. All this stuff sure seems to grow fast. I remember when Don's dad rubbed his face and said about the stubble on his face, "There ought to be something a fellow could do about this." He was about 93 and Don reintroduced him to the electric razor he'd been using for years. He said, "Well, that's keen!" Precious memories. I don't cry over losing Boone; he was 96 and didn't know us or himself. But, I can't stop crying over losing Don. He loved it when I cut my hair, so maybe I can cut it and feel some happy vibes from him. Don't get me wrong. I have happy moments. Lots of friends and family are so good to me. But, I am broken. I see his handwriting; his picture; his clothes; his Bible . . . it all sends me crashing. And, then someone says, "Merry Christmas," or, "Have a nice day," or , "How are you?" "How are you is a loaded gun. and there is no such thing as merry or nice on my menu. If I can get through this holiday I'll be so glad it is over. I'm happy other people can be happy and festive, but it's just not a place I can go. I wish everyone would go on with their festivities and let me quietly read a book. I know God has a plan for me and He left me here because of it. I know that He is taking care of me; He's training me for something; I hope I can be ready. I thought when we were taking care of Don's dad that it was training for me to take care of Don, but he didn't live long enough for me to take care of him. I would be so happy to take care of him. I cry and cry, but I can't die of this and the house just stands here; life goes on, and I've got to get a grip on it. Thanks for letting me vent. I looked back to see what I could cut, and I did cut some, but my intention is to be honest and maybe someone can learn from my experience. If you know someone in my shoes, just say, "I'm thinking about you," not "How are you?" Please don't wish them a merry or nice anything, just tell them to call you if they need anything. I hope I can remember that when the shoe is on the other foot.

I got the most precious note from my cousin who is praying for me to have the strength to get through this holiday. Thank you, Bettye. She's walked in these shoes, so she knows I need strength . I thank God for her example in my life. She also led the way in the breast cancer walk; she and I are the ones in our generation who had breast cancer. My mother and my mother's mother had the honors before us. I went through my pictures and found a picture of her from our family reunion in 2006; I had a more recent one, but she had on sunglasses and this looks just like her, so I posted it with love and thanks!

Alyssa is here!

Alyssa is here with me tonight! Her mom and dad are gone to their class party at church. So, Alyssa is going to spend the night with me! Lucky me! We'll work puzzles and have lots of fun. Today has been a better day and I thank God for that. Lots of friends have been very supportive and I appreciate that so much.

I'm off to work a puzzle! God bless!

Three more Santas!

There are 8 Santas at the base of this poinsettia. From the left the 2nd, 4th, and 6th ones arrived in today's mail. I was thrilled to get them and only so sad that Don can't be here to enjoy them with me. Our good friend, Mike Buchanan, carved and painted them. Don loved Mike and was so impressed with his skill. I will celebrate every Christmas with these Santas and recall the joy we shared in them.

Today has been a day that I wish I could disappear. Every direction I turn tips me over into tears and sobs. I know that holidays are hard for folks, but now I KNOW about that rather than just read about that. I am looking for how to escape the holidays next year. I don't ever want to go through this, again, so I am on a diligent search.

To be more positive, let me give thanks that I am alive and relatively healthy. I can take care of myself and the house. If I can't I can get someone to help me. It could be lots worse. I thank God for family and friends who are so helpful and caring. They say it takes time. I feel like I'm wasting time. I'd like to be going in a good direction every day, but today has been a waste. I had 3 Santas come in the mail and still had to take 18 pictures to get 2 I could use. A dear friend sent me a wonderfully relaxing CD, and I still cried. It's just a basket case day. Tomorrow has got to be better. I believe all these tears have been prayers God understands more than I do. He'll help me do a better job with tomorrow. God bless you, too!

So far, so good.

Haste makes waste. I've published twice before I was done. I'm exhausted from the day and hurrying to get this done before I go to church.

I DID get my fingers printed today and the OSBI (OK State Bureau of Investigation) accepted them. Now, the FBI has to accept them and they tell me that they accept about 95% of them, so I'm hoping this will do it! I thank God for getting us there safely today! I'm so used to Don driving, but I did just fine.

I got the herbs and vitamins thrown last night, but I'll have to package them tomorrow. It feels good to be this close to done with them.

I'm so tired, so I quit for tonight. I thank God for a warm day, too. It got up to 67 for a while. It's a nice relief from the cold!

One leaning Santa.

I don't think he's sick; just tired. Me, too. I've spent all day attempting to deal with a bank, but they only have robots and idiots working for them, so I've struck out, again. I did this one other day and gave up, but made the mistake of attempting it, again, today. This is a bank in California and they told me I just need to come in to talk to them. Sure.

Besides that they called to tell me that my fingerprints were rejected again. I guess it's real important that they get good prints on me in case I kill a kid when I'm teaching or something. I've never killed anyone, yet, but I'd sure like to smash a robot or two. Tomorrow I'm taking a friend to Oklahoma City for a doctor's appointment, so I can go and have my fingerprints done, again. What a rat race! I am thank God that I don't have to work this week and that I do have the skills to do a job if they will ever accept me. You'd think they'd check to see if I have chemo brain, but, no, they just want to be sure I have good fingerprints. This is a crazy world. I do have chemo brain, but I think I can handle teaching; I'll be a comedy act for the kids. They'll get a kick out of it and they'll sneak up on themselves and learn some things. One thing they'll learn is that a real live person cares about them before they get dumped out into the world of automation.

I'm going to see if I can throw enough herbs and vitamins to get me through spring break tonight. I've cut down on a bunch of them, so I think I can get it done. Off I go!

Moved the poinsettia and Santas.

I decided to move the poinsettia and the Santas to the dining room. It's a good thing I did because we used the bar, where it was, for snacks all weekend. I'm still enjoying them so much.

I was tired last night, but I'm double tired tonight. I think I crammed a lot into the last few days. It was wonderful having Richard and Carol here and the company we pulled in to join us! It was fun, fun, fun! I was headed to bed early tonight and forgot that I hadn't even done the blog. Duh. I guess I'm kind of in a daze.

I thank God for bringing wonderful people into my life. Ruthie sent me something that said I have a huge bottle of Vitamin F (That's what Dr. Oz calls friends.); I should be able to make it. Thank you for being in my bottle of Vitamin F! God bless!

Correction.

Last night I said we played cards. Actually, I didn't play; I just coached because I was the odd person. Tonight I actually played. It was the first time since Don and David passed that Dorothy and I have played. It was fun, though. It was a little emotional, but we got caught up in the game and had fun. I'm glad we've broken that barrier. Richard and Carol (the preacher and his wife) went with me to take Dorothy home and I sure appreciated that. They are a really great couple; I hope they can work out an agreement with the church to come here. I'd love to have them for neighbors and I believe they'd be great workers with the church here. They have three grown kids who live in Oklahoma City, so they'll leave here in the morning and go to see their kids. It's sure been fun to have them.

Dorothy has a covered dish dinner to go to tomorrow night and has to make two dishes to take. I'll go get the groceries for her in the morning and then go out to her house and make them for her. Then I'll come home and put the house back into order and then get on with my own business. Right now I'm not sure what that is, but it will come to me by the time I have to get busy.

I took a bunch of Don's clothes to a good friend at church tonight. He is about the size that Don was for many years, so he can wear his XX stuff. I'll be glad to see him wear some of it, but it was emotional to get it together and take it out to the van. I think it's best to get it out of here, though, because it's always emotional for me to see it. Man, this is all so hard. I thank God for the good times to get me through the really emotional times. I thank God for good friends who understand and others who can't understand but they are still compassionate. I am blessed to be alive and healthy and able to take care of things around here. I sure miss Don's help, but I'm managing; mostly I miss his presence. He was wonderful help, but better than that he was an awesome companion. Don't let me get started!

Time to do my hair!

I am so tired, but I just pulled a picture from last week and realize I really need to do my hair. It's just time to fluff it up some! It's been a great week, but I'm tired. We had a preacher visiting from Colorado and he and his wife have stayed here with me. Last night Dorothy stayed with us, too. She went home today, but we played Hand and Foot Canasta tonight with another couple who joined us. They all want to play tomorrow night after church, so I think we've hooked some more players! Dorothy would love to have played with us, but she was really tired after our community meal today. That was a great event, but it was a lot of work for all of us. We had lots of food left over, so we're going to have left overs for lunch at church tomorrow at noon. So, that it has all worked out very well and has been a fun and busy time. I thank God for lots of good people to distract and support me!

But, it's late and I've got to go get this hair washed and get to bed. Ahhhhhh; rest sounds sweet!

No excuses.

This is the best I could come up with for tonight's picture. I'm tired. It's been a good day, but busy. The company is here and we're all headed to bed. Tomorrow is a really big day! We're fixing dinner for the whole town; only a couple hundred will come, but it's a start on the whole town.

Dorothy is spending the night with us. It's fun to have people in the house.

Thanks for keeping an eye on my. I thank God for good friends, near and far. You all keep me going and grounded. God bless.

This is what happens.

When I don't spray my hair it goes flat and then every which way. Still, I only spray it a couple of times a week, so it mostly looks like this. Now, the fingers; that's another thing. I got a notice from the Department of Education today that my fingerprints have been rejected. When I had them printed 3 weeks ago the guy had a lot of trouble with them and he said I had barely any prints left. I had to go back to Altus to the jail to have them reprinted. They scanned them electronically and also printed them with ink. She said that it probably still wouldn't work and I'll probably have to go to Oklahoma City to have them done! Holy cow! I think I'll take up a life of crime; it's got to be more lucrative than teaching school. However, I can't begin to think how to rob a bank, and I have a clue how to teach school. The really wild thing is that I had my finger prints done years ago to get my securities license; why don't they still have those? It's only a piece of paper; I keep everything I've ever had, so one little piece of paper doesn't seem like too much! I'd think they'd keep finger prints they get on anyone in case that person ever commits a crime. Anyway, it's done and they'll go in the mail tomorrow.

Today I cleaned the whole house, so I'm beat. I thank God that I was able to do it. I didn't mop the floors and I didn't move all the furniture because I had done it really good and mopped last week. Normally, I'd have to do the hard floors and dust one day and then vacuum the next. Anyway, it was a big day for me and I'm so headed to bed. Sorry I'm so late with this!

Snickerfest.

I thought I set the camera on the timer, but when I reached out to push the button, it took my picture! That picture looked like I was barfing, so I deleted it! But, then I set the timer and I was tickled because the first picture had been so goofy and this is the one I got. It's been a pretty good day, but I'm really not as happy as this picture looks. I was able to be legitimately tickled, though, so I'm using it.

Several things went right today. I was able to install a clothes line in the Florida Room and that pleases me no end. I love hanging clothes! I love not having to run the dryer, too, so that was a double pleasure. Plus I did something that worked right. I also altered my coat; the sleeves were way too long and the belt kept getting in my way. So I shortened the sleeves and I'm taking the belt loops off the coat tonight while I watch Survivor. I'm using the belt to add to the swim suit I bought when we were in Bella Vista. I have to add fabric to cover the places where I had radiation, so this belt matches perfectly. I've got that all pinned in place to stitch while I watch Survivor. So, Survivor is going to be a full page for me!

I'm all ready for church. I'll get the blog and my journal done, so I only have to come home and watch Survivor and sew. It feels good to be prepared! Usually it's more my style to be running late. I thank God for His help. I know today fell together right because of His direction.

Doris gave me "Grace for the Moment" by Max Lucado and today's thought goes like this: " . . . this life is not crowned with life, it is crowned with death. The next life, however, is different. Jesus urged the Christians in Smyrna to "be faithful, even if you have to die, and I will give you the crown of life."" I recall how relaxed Don's body was when he breathed his last breath. His face was noticeably relaxed and smooth. I like to think of his death as his crown as his soul stepped into no worries, no pain, no sadness and no tears. God will bless us, too; we just have to be faithful. Thank you, Doris, for this precious book of thoughts.

Peeking around the poinsettia and the Santas.

I'm so enjoying this poinsettia and these Santas! Thanks to the Nessers, Mike and Don. It's a boost to see them every day. I'll have to move them to the living room tomorrow. I have them on the bar right by the sink, but I think they'll look nice in the living room and I've got company coming this weekend. I'll need the space on the bar, I think and they'll really look better in the living room. I'll decide, but I've sure enjoyed them right by the sink, so I may leave them.

Today I forgot to go sing at the nursing home. Drat; I'm sure I missed it more than they missed me, but I hate to miss something I really enjoy. I was just pulling together loose ends around here, but I totally lost track of even what day it was. I thought it was Wednesday! If I hadn't talked to Dorothy I'd probably have gone to church to an empty building. I sure need a keeper. Don was great to keep me on track. I hope I don't miss anything real important. I thank God for the years we shared and for the good care he took of me. Now, it's all up to God, but He knows what He's doing.

This cold spell is getting me in the mood to go on that cruise. I know why we liked to leave in the winter, now. This weather is making it all really clear to me! I'm glad I've got company coming this weekend. That will make this weekend interesting and warmer with the warmth of people. I will turn the heat up in the house, so it'll be warmer in here, too. When it's just me here, I hang tight with my buddies and keep the house really cool. (This is a lot of house to heat for just one little person. I'm experimenting to see how much I can save by turning the heat down.) I'm usually busy and layered up, so I keep pretty warm unless the buddies get cold on me.

So much for which to be thankful! I'm counting as I go to bed!

Group hug.

Behind me on the table is a candle holder that is a 'group hug.' A candle sits in the middle of those guys sharing a group hug. Gretta gave that to me one year and I love it. We always have a group hug at our Itazuke reunions, so this reminds me of them. I want you to all join me in a group cyber hug right now. You all mean so much to me. It's a wonderful help and support to me to know that there are lots of people out there who really care about me. Sometimes I forget where I'm going, but I always come back to the blog. Tonight I was headed to bed and remembered that I hadn't posted yet! I think all day of things I will say, so sometimes I forget that I haven't really said them, yet. Wonder if that has to do with being 63 or is it more chemo brain. I know it's real, either way.

I thank God for lots of support in this world. I believe He gives you to me. It's one of the ways He shows up in my life. Thank you for working with Him.

It is really cold here. It was 30 most of the day with a wind chill factor of 17. That's cold! I stay inside as much as possible, but I had to get out to run some errands today.

I'll have to get gas in the van soon; ugh. I should have today, but I just wasn't braced for that cold. Today the smoke alarm started chirping, so I had to climb up on a stool and put a new battery in there. Another Don job. I managed that, so I guess I can pump the gas in the cold, too. If I could have him back, I'd be so glad to do all his jobs, but that option is not available. I'll just be thankful that he did them for so long and with such a happy spirit. I've been blessed.

A busy week ahead.

Today has been interesting. A friend from church took me to a play in town , in which several kids we knew had parts. It was fun to watch them perform and they did great jobs. We had to go up a bunch of stairs to watch, though, and that was tough.

It's amazing how fast Sundays can get away from me. I did much better in church today and tonight than last week. Last Sunday I was right on the verge of tears the whole time. Today was better. This grief thing seems to sort of cycle and it is closely related to fatigue, so I do my best to stay rested. I loose track of time and forget things like sleeping and eating. Don used to keep me posted about when we needed to eat or sleep, so I fall off the wagon sometimes without his lead. I know I need to do better at all that and I'm going to watch for Don to give me clues about them like I believe he did about the Santas last night.

This will be a busy week form me. The church is doing a holiday meal for the whole town (all who will join us) this Saturday. I've signed up for prep on Thursday night and for prep, serving and clean up on Saturday. Also, we have a visiting preacher and his wife coming on Friday for the weekend, and they're going to stay here at the house. I love that! I will be busy, but busy is good for me. I thank God that I am able to help and that I have room for company. I've got food in the freezer, so it won't be a problem to feed company. I'm not out to impress anyone, just make them feel at home.

Everyone have a great week. Enjoy the season the best you can. God bless.

I'll spare you the long story.

A really good friend carved these Santas for Don and I. For the last several years we haven't decorated for Christmas because we were either in Tijuana, Hawaii or Branson for Christmas. Every year we got out these Santas if we were here at all. So, yesterday when another friend sent this poinsettia, I thought the Santas would be nice near it. I went and got out the three that you see hanging from the bow; they were in the top drawer in the dining room and I didn't even think of the two that are standing. I just thought I had the Santas. Yesterday was the hardest day I've had. It seemed like everywhere I turned I'd run into something that threw me into a sobbing fit. I had even gone to a web site on grief and signed up for an online support group. Trish called to check on me and I couldn't hide from her that I was crying; I could hardly talk to her. We both cried for a while and then kind of talked ourselves out of it. While we were talking the screensaver took over the laptop and the pictures of the contents of the house that Don had taken for insurance on Sept. 1 started rolling. There was a picture of a drawer opened and there were those two standing Santas; I thought, "How did those Santas fade just since Don took those pictures?" As soon as I hung up from talking to Trish I went to look and see if there were more Santas; sure enough, there were those guardian Santas! I was elated, mind you on my worst day, ELATED! It felt to me like Don took me to those Santas. He always loved those Santas because they reminded him of our great friend and his incredible talent. I think he didn't want me to have a Christmas with only 3 of the collection of 5. I'll never forget that there are 5 Santas in that collection, again. It was the lift I needed. I don't know if it was Don that took me to those Santas or if it was God . . . maybe a joint effort . . . all I know is that it was the lift I needed. Today has been much brighter!

I hope if you click on the picture that the Santas will show up better. The hanging ones are really awesome, too, but they just don't show up as well as the painted ones do. It's a shame because they are all really pretty. The poinsettia is gorgeous. It was one of my mom's thrills and I love them, too. When Don and I were in Hawaii we loved how poinsettias grew in mass like daffodils and irises do here. This poinsettia with the Santas is the perfect Christmas decoration for me. No way I was going to get out our tree with all the memories that are on there. I thank our friends for providing for my Christmas decor and I thank God for friends who come to me with His love. I thank God for letting Don take me to the complete set of Santas. That seems so trivial, but I've sobbed over less and it's so nice to be elated instead of sobbing!

Ruthie told me how to laugh!

Okay, I'm going to do better on the pics because Ruthie said I should think of the babies who laugh and won't quit; watching them makes me laugh every time. She's so right. I meant to find one on U-Tube to use when I'm taking pics, but all I had to do was think of it. Thanks, Ruthie!

Man, it's cold here, today. It's 38; that's cold for me. This is getting me ready for the cruise in January; I'm ready for some warm sunshine! I love it that God gives us lots of weather so that we can pick favorites and when the non-favorites get to us we can look forward to the favorites. When we had 113 this summer I was looking forward to relief, but I had more like 88 in mind. 38 is enough to make me wish for the 88, again. I'm not wishing for 113; that was too much! I'm grateful for heat and AC when we need it and variety is refreshing; it helps to make us grateful when the perfect days are here.

This is perfect weather for reading, in a warm bed, so that's what I'm going to do tonight. It's almost time to go do that! Woohoo! I never put on make up today, so I can't take a picture tonight, but I'll have a goody soon; friends sent a poinsettia today and it is gorgeous. I'll take a picture with it on Sunday or tomorrow if I put on make up. (If I took a picture without make up you'd all be worried about me; I need the Mabeline help!)

Back to school?

Well, hardly. They haven't called me to sub, yet, but I did get a call to train to work at the polls for elections. We had training today and I enjoyed that. I think I'll really enjoy working the elections. Trouble is there are 3 events I will miss while I'm gone to Branson, but she said she'd get a sub for me if I'd take the appointment. Sure! I think it will be fun.

So, I spent the afternoon training. I also got spring break scheduled in Branson. So, some things are falling into place. I feel sure I accomplished something else this morning, but I can't remember what it was.

In my spare time (???) I'm reading a book that Ruthie sent to me. It's wonderful! It's "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23," by W. Phillip Keller. I am amazed at it. I always loved the 23rd Psalm, but this book puts it so much better into perspective. I read a little as I sit down to eat or just to relax and encourage me when I get stressed or way down into the dumps. This book is wonderful, as is my sister! She bought me my own copy so I can write in the margins and underline and highlight. I'm rough on books, but I'm so thrilled to have this one! I thank God for two awesome sisters who are holding my hand through the roughest time of my life.

Someone called.

I had the timer set to take two pictures and the phone rang. That helped to get a better smile because I like talking to that person. Good thing it wasn't 'Rachel with cardholder services.' I hate that she calls all the time! I love it when my friends call; it helps with the loneliness to know that someone cares.

Tonight is church night. It's cold here and I'm making a couple of buddies to take to church with me. I always take 2; one for me and one for Dorothy. Other folks look pitifully cold, so I'm taking two more tonight. Buddies are an easy way to warm folks and let them know that I care, too.

After church I'll watch Survivor. It's my Wednesday night ritual. and it just dawned on me today that I missed last week because the kids were coming and I forgot all about watching it. I think I have it taped, so tonight I'll watch two shows and then go to bed early. I was up until 1:30 last night finishing the vacuuming and repairing some things. I'm slow, but I got it done. I went to bed thanking God for giving me the ability to clean the house and for giving me a warm place to live that is full of sweet memories. So, I'm ready for a good night's sleep tonight. I did take a nap this afternoon, so I'm plenty rested. It's just better to get it at night, I think.

Phony.

If this smile looks phony, it's because it is. I'm doing my best to put up a good front, and sometimes I laugh and smile sincerely. When I'm in front of the camera it's really one of the saddest times, because I so wish Don was driving the camera!

Today was so hard. Dorothy and I went to the celebration of our friend's life. We are way over quota on celebrating lives of folks we'd sure love to have here. We had lunch together and we've been on the phone sharing memories. Another sweet widow (lost her husband 5 years ago) waited in the parking lot to make sure Dorothy and I were okay. Isn't that sweet? People are so kind and loving and I thank God for them. I believe it is Him showing up in ways in which we can relate.

My precious sister sent me an email today, knowing that I was facing a tough day. I thank God for her, too. She has taught me all my life; how to do everything from make up and hair to how to better serve God and wait patiently for Him. I have shared this with Dorothy and Jo Ann, already; thank you from all of us, Ruthie! Sissy will see it here! Here is the quote she shared:

"In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes

to all, and it often comes with bitter

agony. Perfect relief is not possible,

except with time. You cannot now believe

that you will ever feel better. But this

is not true. You are sure to be happy a-

gain. Knowing this, truly believing it,

will make you less miserable now. I have

had enough experience to make this state-

ment.____________Abraham Lincoln

Wear them out at Grammy's house.

Gracie and Raynie had their baths and took a minute to snuggle with Daddy. They all passed out! That's how it works at Grammy's house! It was a precious visit, and I thank God that they wanted to come spend the holiday with me.

Rob took Don's place and said the prayers at our meals and they were precious. Thanks, Rob!

Tonight Dorothy and I went to the funeral home for visitation with the family of our friend who died on Thanksgiving night. It was hard for both of us; it was hard for everyone there. It's so hard coping with losing people you love so much and we've lost so many lately. Our friend, Frank, who survived his heart attack, was also able to be there. That had to be really freaky for him. He is so blessed to be alive and doing really well. I thank God for that!

I've been cleaning house today, and I thank God that I'm able to do that. It takes me several days to get it done, but I can do it!

2 pieces replaced!

So, Gracie and I are not to be outdone. There were two pieces missing from this puzzle, so we made two more pieces and called it good. We built another memory that I will treasure; I hope she does!

They made it home fine, and I made it through the day okay. I'm changing beds and washing towels. Tomorrow I'll clean the floors and clean bathrooms, etc. Never know when someone might stop to visit, so I want to be ready. I thank God that Trish and Rob and 4 of their kids were able to come share Thanksgiving with me. It was a big job for them to keep me on track, but they did a great job.

I thank God that I can clean the house myself! I don't get it done right quickly, but I can get it done. I'm headed to a nice bath and then a good sleep in nice clean sheets. Yay! I think it's time for flannel sheets; it's cold here!

The puzzle tradition.

The first puzzle we did was only 350 pieces. We did it so fast that we did this 1000 piece one next. It was fun with all those little tiny details. Something about working puzzles is very soothing for our family, so it's a good thing for us, especially now. We're working on the third one, right now; it's 500 pieces.

There is a Christmas tree lighting on the square tonight, but we're going to pass and stay at home because the wind is bitter and there's just no telling how cold it feels out there. We're doing sandwiches for supper and then we'll have popcorn and hot chocolate and be thankful that we have a warm place to be instead of out in that cold.

We're thanking God for family, health and safety. God is great!

RIP, Jerry McCannon

When all else fails, candle out your ears. That was our philosophy today. This is Trish and Raynie standing by to support my ear candling.

I got up this morning and checked my Facebook, where I learned that another of our good friends had a heart attack and died last night! And I thought I was having a tough Thanksgiving. It's amazing that God makes our hearts so strong to take so much breaking! Jerry was only 62. He was another of our card playing friends, and a friend from church. I know I have a picture of him somewhere at the card table, but I don't have the energy to hunt for it. Jerry's service will be Tuesday. I'm so not liking this aging process; the perks are terrible for those of us who are left.

I thank God for family to hang tough with me. The kids have been such a blessing! Trish is a brick to stand by me and hug me when I crumble. She even fixed the bobbin loader on my sewing machine today! What a magic lady she is!

I pray that your Thanksgiving has been a happy one. Thank you for caring to keep up with me. Please, please, please don't miss an opportunity to be with the folks you love while you can!

Don't think for a minute that it's been all bad. Many friends have called to check on me today. I am richly blessed and I know it, but it's hard to climb up out of the hole I fall into every now and then. Thanks for all you folks who give me a hand!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Trish and I did this puzzle today after dinner. It was tricky holding it up for the picture without it falling all to pieces! We've started another, already.

After dinner Trish and I took Grace and Raynie to Exploration Station. It was a nice, warm day, so it was a fun thing to do. This has been a busy day, but a good time to be thankful for many, many blessings.

Life is tough. I've learned that we must not miss any opportunities. This last June when we came back from the family reunion we didn't stop to see a friend in Arkansas because we thought we were tired and we'd do it next year. Next year Don won't make that trip. I get sick when I think of things like that. I know why people say that people shouldn't make any major decisions after they lose a spouse; because the person left is not able to think clearly and perspective is all out of whack. I wonder if I'll ever get things straight. I have to trust God to get me straight; I don't mean to be lazy, but I just am not capable without His direction. Foolishly, when I was a kid I thought it would be so wonderful to be grown. It's always been hard to be grown in one way or another. Even after I was grown I thought it would be nice to be old and settled. The kids think I've been old a long time, but I've been pretty busy and had some tough stuff to go through even at this age. Now, it's worse than ever. The mistake was in thinking that it would be better later; I think we should always be content with whatever our circumstances and give thanks for the blessings in it. That's a great sermon; now I've got to work on living it!

Oh, man!

Today has been tough! I'm glad we don't know the future. It's all I can do to make it through each day as it comes. Everything I touched today set me into a sobbing fit. I'm going through the motions I'd go through if Don were here and everything reminds me that he's NOT here. I don't know any other way to do Thanksgiving, though. I didn't realize it, but I guess I do things differently most of the time, so it's not so obvious that he's not here, normally. I imagine there will be lots more times like this and they just sneak up and take me by surprise.

I did get a sweet letter from my sister, Ruthie, today. Enclosed in it was the program from our friend Tom Martin's memorial service. His wife is Jane and his mother-in-law is Dot, who are both readers and sometimes posters on this blog. I cried all the way through it, but inside it was a beautiful poem that Jane found on Tom's desk, titled, 'If Tomorrow Starts Without Me.' Oh, Lord, help me! That's all I can say, because God is the only one who can help me through this. Of course He sends precious people to do His chores and you DO help. Trish just called and they are on their way. They'll be here about 8:30, I imagine. They will be sunshine to a dark day. I hope I can get my face straight for them.

Don's mom and dad built this house and the whole family used to come here every Thanksgiving. I was a military brat and we always went home to my grandparents house between assignments, but all those old home places have been gone for years. My mom and dad are gone. When Don's dad died and it was time to sell his house, I told Don that this was more home to me than any place in the world because we had come here with the whole family for so long. Then we had lived here for the last several years. So, we bought it. I'm not sorry; it was home to me, but it's pretty empty without Don here. Oh, it's full of stuff, but the heart that is left here is broken. It'll be better tonight when the kids get here.

The food is all prepared. The dressing is mixed and I will cook it tomorrow, as well as the gravy. It will smell good and taste good. We will give thanks for this family home, for our food and health, for the love we've shared for all our lives, for Don and all the years we had with his love and example and for the new memories we are building. May God bless you with health, happiness and safety this Thanksgiving.

Quiet today.

But, not for long! Tomorrow Trish and company will be coming! I'm excited about them coming. I love this house and have lots of memories here, but some of the best memories are the ones from over the years when this house was full of family. Tomorrow this house will be throbbing with people, again. This house was built for family! It's funny; a couple of times Mason has said, "What's it like around here when we're not here?" It is way different, that's for sure! It's quiet and I love that, too. But, I really love it when the family comes and the house is throbbing with people and love. I thank God for a wonderful home, for a wonderful family and for wonderful memories. Today a good friend on Facebook (Erin) told me to have a wonderful Thanksgiving and to enjoy the new memories. I thank God for Erin, too!

Tomorrow will be filled with cooking. Trish and company will get here around 8. I really can hardly wait!

Plans are taking shape for winter and spring. It feels good to have some plans made. I think I need some structure. Thank you for keeping up with me and for your support and love. God Bless!

Happy birthday, Gabe!

Our very own "Ozzy!" Do you watch Survivor? One of the Survivor heroes of all time is Ozzy, who can climb trees, swim, and conquer all the wilds. Our Gabe is much like Ozzy! If there is a lizard or salamander he'll catch it. No tree is out of his league. That's Gabe up in that tree on the right. Mason (Gabe's mimic) is going up the tree in the middle and he made it nearly as high as Gabe did. When I got scared about Gabe getting down I insisted Mason come down! Fuddy dud old Grammy! They both made it down just fine! Gabe turned 17 today. I am so proud of him; he's such a fun guy and has such a good heart. Love you, Gabey!


This will be a challenging Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has always meant so much to our family. When Don's mom and dad lived in this house the whole family would come every Thanksgiving to celebrate. This house has always been more home to me than anyplace, because we always came here. As a military brat there was never any place that I always went to any more than this house. To have Thanksgiving without Don's body here will be emotional, but I know his spirit will be with us. He lives on in all of us and in our memories. I thank God for the many Thanksgivings we shared; and he and I were thankful for every other day besides Thanksgiving, too. We were blessed and I thank God for blessing us.

Gabe won't be here for this Thanksgiving, either. He is going to his other Grandpa's house so they can go hunting. I understand that, and I'm going to pretend that Don is hunting with them. As far as I know Don never went hunting in his life, but I need to pretend that he's with Gabe. :) Maybe I'll just pretend that he's gone to the store for something and will be right back. The facts are tough, so I'll hang with pretending right now.